Czech India Lifestyle magazine.

The IRS and Monsters That Suck

Taxes. Anyone out there delay the inevitable besides me? Two extensions are allowed, but unless you want the wrath of the IRS Nazi police knocking down your door, at some point you have to file your damned taxes.

Well I for one don’t want those Nazi Police knocking down my door so I filed my taxes, and I realized something in doing so. The IRS are a bunch of life draining sucking monsters. Here’s why.

vampires Vampires are a class of undead who exist by feeding on the blood of the living. Throughout literature and movies,vampires are depicted as a misunderstood race, wanting more than anything else to fit into society and be accepted. Yet they have little to no control over their insatiable urge to drink blood. Human blood. So it’s almost like they don’t want to be evil; they just are by nature. Plus they can’t go out into daylight so it’d be kind of hard to fit in, but I’ll save that ramble for another post…

Quite similarly, the IRS have leeches auditors who suck drink you dry of any cash you managed to escape paying in annual taxes. Think you completed your taxes accurately? Guess again. The IRS will prove you wrong. One way or another.

Succubus For those of you who do not know what a succubus is, please allow me to explain.

A succubus is a demon who, while in the form a hot, sexy woman, will seduce a man for unadulterated sweaty sex. Then, while engaged in wild abandon, the succubus will suck the life right out of the man so that they can continue to exist while the horndog man dies.

Much like the succubus, the IRS lures you into their perverted fetish filled world with promises of tax refunds and stimulus checks, only to snatch them away the second you think you are actually going to get some of your hard earned dollars back. Talk about draining!

Zombies You can’t be a reader of my blog and not know what a zombie is or what they stand saunter for, but no matter how entertaining they are to watch, I don’t want to get up close and personal with one. Face it. A zombie, no matter how cute and slow (as in short bus) is going to try to eat your brain. Period.

Now an IRS auditor, though not a member of the short bus, rather the “asswipe” bus, may not try to eat your brain, but they will try to eat your bank account. Plus any future deposits that would under normal circumstances deposit there. I don’t why the bastards can’t just leave me and my money alone. I mean I don’t steal, I don’t torture kids or small animals, I sometimes torture my husband but I think he secretly likes it - so whywhywhy does the IRS insist on taking money from me??

Werewolves Werewolves are humans who have the capability to shape shift into a wolf like animal (creature if you prefer) either due to having been bitten by another werewolf, or due to having had a curse placed on them by some evil no good bitch witch.

Werewolves are rather crafty as when in their human form, you have no idea of their inner beast. Your co-worker could be a werewolf and you have no idea! How sucky would that be? You are at your company’s christmas party, it happens to be a full moon - and suddenly your perverted co-worker that you hate is trying to rip your throat out after having morphed into a werebeast right in front of your eyes! I’m thinking that would ruin a really good buzz……

The IRS resembles werewolves because you never know how truly mean they are until they sink their teeth in you by auditing your 1040 or, worse yet, auditing your life! Yeh. Those suits can’t hide THAT!

Conclusion So monsters suck, and the IRS, sadly, resemble those monsters that suck. I wish I could just erase them from my memory, but sadly every year it’s more of the same, and they rear their ugly heads all over again….

Sigh…… maybe I should just open a Tiki Hut in Jamaica, mon….

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MTV 2010 Movie Awards Disappoints... WTF??

So… Twilight gets top honors angerufen…. Over Avatar? WTF??? I keep trying to remind myself that I am no longer 20something, and that the real 20somethings are taking over while I am left living in fantasy land.

A land where Avatar’s Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington win best kiss…. cuz it was….

Where best movie for 2010 is named The Hangover…. cuz it was….

Where best female performance is Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side… cuz she was….

Where best break-out actor is Quinton Aaron…. cuz he was…

But no. Instead I live in a world when I am a used up cougar no longer in her 20’s, and the real 20somethings overrule my vote with their theory that The Twilight Saga should win most everything…. which it did.

So anyway, instead of babbling on about how I am being cheated of unending youth, here is the list of winners for MTV’s 2010 Movie Awards: (I cannot believe MTV did not ask for my opinion for the winners. WTF???)

BEST FIGHT SCENE Beyonce Knowles vs. Ali Larter - Obsessed Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber vs. Ryan Reynolds - X-Men Origins: Wolverine Logan Lerman vs. Jake Abel - Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief Robert Downey Jr. vs. Mark Strong - Sherlock Holmes Sam Worthington vs. Stephen Lang - Avatar

Winner: Beyonce Knowles vs. Ali Larter - Obsessed

BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE Amanda Seyfried - Dear John Emma Watson - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Kristen Stewart - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Hello?? Can you say “whine a little more, CryGirl?) Sandra Bullock - The Blind Side Zoe Saldana - Avatar

Winner: Kristen Stewart - The Twilight Saga: New Moon

BEST BREAKOUT STAR Anna Kendrick - Up in the Air Chris Pine - Star Trek Gabourey Sidibe - Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire Logan Lerman - Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief Quinton Aaron - The Blind Side (you go, Quint!) Zach Galifianakis - The Hangover (Breakout? This dude’s been around as long as me-but I love him!)

Winner: Anna Kendrick - Up in the Air

BEST SCARED AS SHIT PERFORMANCE (New Category for 2010) Alison Lohman - Drag Me To Hell (scared the shit out of me. That’s for damned sure!) Amanda Seyfried - Jennifer’s Body Jesse Eisenberg - Zombieland Katie Featherston - Paranormal Activity Sharlto Copley - District 9

Winner: Amanda Seyfried - Jennifer’s Body

BEST KISS SCENE Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: New Moon Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning - The Runaways (did this go straight to DVD or something? Cuz this one never showed up at the theaters in my redneck part of the woods…) Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds - The Proposal Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner - Valentine’s Day Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington - Avatar

Winner: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: New Moon

BEST WTF?? MOMENT Betty White - The Proposal (Cops a Feel) <–you go, girl! Bill Murray - Zombieland (Bill Murray?! A Zombie?!) <–Hello!! Isabel Lucas - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Unexpected Transformation) Ken Jeong - The Hangover (Naked Trunk Surprise) Megan Fox - Jennifer’s Body (Vomits a Mysterious Black Ooze) <–Brush your teeth, Ho!

Winner: Ken Jeong - The Hangover, Naked Trunk Surprise

BEST VILLAIN Christoph Waltz - Inglourious Basterds Helena Bonham Carter - Alice In Wonderland Ken Jeong - The Hangover Stephen Lang - Avatar Tom Felton - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Winner: Tom Felton - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

BIGGEST BADASS STAR (New Category) Rain Angelina Jolie Channing Tatum Sam Worthington Chris Pine

Winner: Rain

BEST MALE PERFORMANCE Channing Tatum - Dear John Daniel Radcliffe - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: New Moon Taylor Lautner - The Twilight Saga: New Moon Zac Efron - 17 Again

Winner: Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: New Moon

GLOBAL SUPERSTAR (New Category) Robert Pattinson Kristen Stewart Taylor Lautner Johnny Depp Daniel Radcliffe

Winner: Robert Pattinson

BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE Ben Stiller - Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian Bradley Cooper - The Hangover Ryan Reynolds - The Proposal Sandra Bullock - The Proposal Zach Galifianakis - The Hangover

Winner: Zach Galifianakis - The Hangover

BEST MOVIE Alice In Wonderland Avatar Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince The Hangover The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Winner: The Twilight Saga: New Moon

John Dowdle's 2008 Quarantine aka [REC]

Quarantine: a strict isolation, usually imposed by the government in order to prevent the spread of something considered dangerous, such as that of disease. The duration of such being typically 40 days, presuming anyone would survive that long….

TV reporter Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) and her ever ready cameraman Scott (Steve Harris) are documenting a night in the life of the Los Angeles Fire Department - as seen from the inside - with the firemen themselves providing the guided tour. As the hours tick away and night settles in, Angela begins to itch for a call, albeit one not life threatening, so she and Scott can find some action to report in the otherwise boring night; something camera worthy.

Luckily they don’t wait very long before a routine call comes in summoning them to a downtown apartment building where local cops are already on scene. Screams of torment can be heard coming from one of the tenants apartments though upon investigation, it’s unclear exactly why she was screaming. The only signs of disorder is her foaming at the mouth, uncontrollable wheezing, and what appears to be dried blood covering the front of her nightgown and chin. The cops and firemen aren’t too concerned with these minor details at first. At least not until the tenant decides to violently attack one of the cops with her teeth. Suddenly everyone is paying attention.

The whole “film documentary” effect seems to be coming somewhat commonplace in Hollywood, even though we saw it back in 1985, with the release of Cannibal Holocaust. The theatrical release of The Blair Witch Project in 1999 revived the concept, almost acting as a catalyst for copycat writers. I for one think The Blair Witch Project was highly overrated, but I seem to be in the minority with that thought. Since that time though, we have had George A Romero’s Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, Welcome to the Jungle, and now Quarantine, the US version of the Spanish release [REC].

Quarantine was filmed rather effectively, providing the viewer a broader range of vision than what has been typical in this genre thus far. I would imagine this is largely due to the “character” in control of the camera being a cameraman by trade. Typically, the “documentarist” is a college kid, using a cam for the very first time, or some guy with glasses that keep getting in the way. The camera shakes, scenes are cropped, and you only see half the drama. Scott, the cameraman in Quarantine, was obviously “skilled” so camera shake or moments of un-focus were not due to inexperience, but rather unexpected and sudden events, resulting in them lasting briefly. I found the documentary effect of this movie to be virtually unnoticeable or annoying until the very end at which point, actually aided the fear factor.

In minutes from the tenant’s attack on the police officer, the apartment building is sealed off from the outside world, with power and cell phone service stopped. Not only can the tenants no longer contact the outside world, but the outside world can no longer enter the quarantined zone. No explanation is given; no remedy is provided; and no hope is felt as the tenants begin to realize they have been left for dead. Their only explanation is that the CDC is following government orders and will kill them, rather than letting one of them out of the building.

So what do you do when you are trapped like mice, waiting for the snake to swallow you whole? You look for a way out. Any way out, to avoid suffering death on the inside. Death in a very unpleasant and painful manner. A manner none of them would have dreamed in their worst nightmares, or wished on their worst enemy. Only every way out is anticipated and blocked, and all paths lead back inside. Inside where hell is no longer a state of mind…

Quarantine does a great job of playing up the fear factor and scare tactics, although they lack in originality at times. There is a sufficient amount of bloodshed and gore to keep this film at an R rating, however it is no where near as much bloodshed and gore as has become standard for Hollywood. Did this detract from the movie? For me, not at all. I enjoyed this movie almost as much as the Dawn of the Dead remake. Will others enjoy this movie? Reviews show it will depend largely on whether or not you have actually seen the original [REC] - if you have, most likely this movie will suck, as reviewers claim it pales in comparison. If you have not seen [REC], chances are you will really enjoy this one. I have not seen [REC] and true to theory, I enjoyed Quarantine, and I really need to give credit for that to Jennifer Carpenter for her amazing portrayal of Angela. I felt her excitement at the thought of a real story when the call first came in. I felt her fear when the senseless killings and mass hysteria started. And I not only felt her terror, but believably saw it written on her every moment even after the credits rolled.

I have watched Quarantine 5+ times since its original release, and every time continues to leave me chilled. In my mind, that is the sign of a “keeper” worthy flick. And in my list of favorite zombie flicks, this one is in the top 10.

…….but to be perfectly honest, I can’t wait to see [REC]!


I sat here tonight and asked myself what should have been a simple question. The question being: “Which would be worse - Being hunted by the hunter… or being the hunter, who in a split second at no fault of their own, has the rug pulled out from under them and becomes the hunted?”

It’s rather odd in that when a person has no personal attachment or experience with what ever it is they are hunting, can do so with eager anticipation and a somewhat perverse enjoyment. But once that separation is broken and a common ground is acknowledged, a rebirth happens within the hunter and the switch is irrevocably flipped.

In Miguel Sapochnik 2010’s Repo Men, Jude Law plays Remy, a hunter for “the Union” who repossesses body organs from persons who have become past due in their payments. Usually these repos are callously brutal, bloody, and more often then not, deadly. It’s rather simple really. Pay your insanely expensive bill and maintain your new body part. Don’t pay your bill, and suffer the gruesome consequence.

Remy repos without guilt, without remorse, methodically, and by the book. His wife doesn’t like it so pushes him to switch to a desk job so he can be home more often and not bring the brutality of what he does to their doorstep.

So on one last mission before switching to sales rather than remaining in repos Remy’s defib unit goes haywire resulting in his becoming the lucky recipient of the “top of the line” artificial heart offered by The Union. You’d think that since he was one of their top repo men, and since the artificial heart was as a result of faulty equipment provided by The Union, that he would get it free of charge as a sort of “workers comp.”

But if you did, you would be guessing wrong.

Now on the run, fighting for the very life he thought he no longer wanted, Remy is teamed with Alice Braga as Beth (the “butterfly” girl in I am Legend) another multiple organ recipient exceptionally past due on her bill, fighting to free themselves from radar, and for the chance to live.

Teamed with an exceptional cast including Forest Whitaker and Liev Schreiber, Repo Man (if you let it) will make you think about things you never considered. It will make you think about what is important in your life and how with the blink of an eye, you can lose it all, and what lengths you would go to to keep it.

But as much as I enjoyed this movie, the subtle life messages it delivered, and the way it forced me to ponder my own determination to live, I have to confess that the ending fuckin’ BLEW! Realistic ending? Sure, for the movie subject matter anyway. But for the enjoyment of the movie experience? Horseshit! Pure and simple and steamy and stinky horseshit. And for that reason along this movie won’t make it into my drawer of keepers…..

….but DAMN it was so close!!